5 States, 8 Cities, 3 Flights

When the pace is high, it’s important to soak in every moment, because there are some seasons you won’t get a redo.

From the streets of my childhood, family kitchens of New Jersey, firsts in New York, officially launching a new path in Oklahoma, Karaoke in Louisiana, and eventually laying my mom to rest by my daddy… it was a crazy amazing 60 days. 

We were thankful to have been reunited with dear friends and family as we celebrated the living and the ones we’ve lost. It was been a great journey, and every step made a difference! We were never been alone… and it was overwhelming in the best of ways.

Within days of me saying a string of farewells to the landmarks of my adolescence, I was in Oklahoma to mark a milestone in my future.

Before we had the honor of accompanying my mom through her journey, I had set out on a journey of my own in Spring 2018. I had made the decision to get my Master’s Degree. This is unlike any masters program I ever imagined being part of because it was not my decision alone to enter this program. After multiple family meetings I went before my Employer to seek his guidance and he helped me set the next phases in motion. After that I sat before our Church leadership in Texas to be approved, then before a committee in Oklahoma, and on the particular day pictured I was waiting to be called before our entire Presbytery. My goal had evolved from Masters of Sociology to Masters of Divinity. On October 18, 2018, I stood before a group of people I had been in the trenches of ministry with for the last 3 years as they approved me to be a candidate for ordination.

What did that mean?

God willing… I would be an ordained pastor by 2024.

Why? Ironically, I wanted to be equipped and comfortable accompanying others through some of the trickiest phases in life… recovery, broken marriages, and grief. It’s easy to show up when things are good in people’s lives, I want to be fearless in stepping in to all the bad… I know what it feels like to think you’re alone. I also know what overwhelming humility is felt when you finally discover… none of us have ever been alone.

Here is what grief taught me…

Life will go on with you, or without you.

I put my whole life on pause when my dad died. When I came to, I had aged 4 years but was still in the same place, if not worse emotionally and mentally. This time, I would accept grief and make it tag along with me to my next milestone.

Every moment mattered.

Once, maybe twice, I had the thought ‘What is at stake if I quit school and take my first semester off?’ On this side of that semester, I know the answer… my healing was at stake. With my daddy, I was able to disengage from living, from my emotions, but I still made it look as if I were trying. With this new endeavor ahead of me I had no choice but to stay open to God’s presence so I could discern as clearly as I could the direction He needed me to go. Every… moment… mattered…

Grief is an exhausting journey that can steal days, sometimes years away from us all. It’s a black hole of emotions ready to swallow us up at any moment with no promise of us ever finding ground. I have experienced grief like that with my dad and I was not interested in entertaining another theft in my life, so identified the only difference between my mom’s death and my dad’s death.

Jesus is the boss.

With my dad, I was trying to be the boss and my life ended up a mess. With my mom’s death, I had been growing my understanding of Jesus for eight years. When my dad died I isolated myself, but with my mom I surrounded myself with people that were solid in their faith too. Matt and I were never alone, my mom was never alone… I even received a new sense of peace because I discovered that all the fears I had when my dad died went away when I understood he was never alone either.

I do not know how people live through the battles of life without faith in something bigger than themselves. My beliefs kept me motivated, they allowed me to process sadness in a raw and real way… God carried me the whole way. Knowing that gave me so much pride as I stood before the Presbytery to be approved for ordination… because I knew that I didn’t need to bring 110% to the table like I did in the corporate world… all I had to do was be willing to serve… and trust that God would make up the difference.

Quitting was always an option, but was never part of the plan.