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My mom always knew how to wear make-up, clothes, and accessories. She was known as ‘Weazer’ to those closest to her and my friends always called her Mama Anne. Her heart was huge, and her love was overbearing. We had a rough decade or 2, but I know that I am the luckiest adopted daughter in the world. Her love knew no boundaries, and neither did her mouth. Because of those 2 things, Matt and I placed strategic boundaries to keep our own family healthy. The last year of her life, she did not stay in our home when she visited. 

Here is what grief has taught me on this side of our toxic relationship:

1. Boundaries should be in place to protect, not punish.

I had many with my mom, but they were never in place to punish her. Boundaries gave us a safe emotional distance for both of us to heal and to see a little clearer. I would not change a single decision in regards to the boundaries we chose and why we chose them. 

The worst part of boundaries is the fear it placed in my mom about this very moment. She was afraid of dying alone. She was heartbroken that I appeared not to care. In November 2017 when she had her first emergency, I told her I have no problem being present for the ‘scary stuff’, it’s the ‘BS’ I was not interested in. 

Detour.

In September 2018, after a midnight ride to my sleepy little east Texas town… there are things I will never forget…

…The sound of automatic doors to a hospital lobby, the smell of the cold air meeting East Texas humidity when they opened. I will never forget that ICU is the first right, past the tiny 1 person chapel, then the next right to enter the lobby of ICU where in East Texas… they will let anyone in. 

The ICU was quiet, I heard whispers “that’s the daughter”, as I stepped into her bay. I knew what room it was as I saw 2 dear friends of my mother standing over her. I will never forget the sound of a breathing machine breathing for her, or later the sound of an effective CPAP. 

To walk in to a room where a loved one lays non-responsive will be with me forever. I remember my Daddy’s last moments… and I’ll remember hers.

The doctor was called as soon as I arrived and minutes later he breezed through the doors. I had met him a number of times under this circumstance. 

The moment was completely different than the others.

He apologized as he brought me up to speed with my mom’s many health obstacles. I kept it all together like I always do. It’s really hard to see radiology reports through tears. 

This time we were not advised to stay and wait for her to wake her up. We were advised to get rest, because at that point, we were not sure she would wake up. I grabbed her things and we set out to sleep. 

My husband knows me well. As soon as we were out of the ICU into the hall the tears came. He did not address it or touch me, he knew I need those tears to come out. I knew this route so well. There were 40 – 50 strides between the internal ICU doors and the exit of the building. I had cried this route before. 

Selfishly I was so afraid about the crushing guilt that may have followed my tears BECAUSE of the BOUNDARIES I put up.

Then clarity came.

I would not change a single boundary even if I had the chance. Here is why.

2. Be thoughtful about your boundaries.

I don’t think I have regrets on my boundaries because I had thought them through for years. I had a counselor and mentor that I bounced ideas off of constantly. My husband created the safest emotional environment for me to make decisions and he supported my every process.

3. What is right today, may not be right tomorrow.

Remember, nothing is fixed… everything is as flexible as we make it.

The present needs something different from me than the past. Be flexible with your boundaries and trust that you will have what it takes when life takes too much too fast. What was and what is does not always have to line up.

In the waiting room of uncertainty, the past was miles behind my mom and me. All that mattered was the present and what it required of me.

God was stitching me up from the inside out as our reality began to rip at the seams. Because of the inevitable grief, healing began to take place between us.

If you need help navigating how to place boundaries with an aging parent who has toxic tendencies, comment and I would love to share what I have learned.

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