Regret is like a tourist location… okay to visit from time to time, but not ideal for permanent residence. 

The cost is high.

4 hours away and 3 hours after my mom went into surgery, a nurse called and said the words that do not sit well with anyone, “Mrs. Davis, the doctor would like to speak with you”.

As I waited for doctor’s voice, regret seized my thoughts and my heart for the first time in years. Regardless of the toxic relationship my mom and I had, I always approached every encounter knowing that my choices would be either an invitation for regret, or an invitation for healing. I knew November 2017 marked her last year of life. This was not my first rodeo. The signs are universal. Beginning in November 2017, everything I did was in an effort to heal what was broken and protect what might be… until the weekend of September 9, 2018. I was tired of being told my effort was not enough, my love was adequate… and if you know me… those comments were not met with grace. I made September 9, selfishly about me which is the exact opposite of how I try to live. Our last conversation was an argument. All of these thoughts crashed into each other until I heard the doctor’s voice and everything silenced. I braced.

He said that he could not wake her up. This was a doctor who has called me many times, each to report a heart attack and a good outcome. This was the second time in one year he has said, ‘I think you should get here as soon as possible’. Regret and I hit the road for a 4 hour trip. I should have been better, kinder, more patient, more loving… so many things.

We all have difficult people that influence us. Here is what regret taught me.

1. Show up when it’s uncomfortable.

2. Regret is only a visitor, they cannot live here.

3. Regret needs to be spoken, out loud, so it can heal.

4. Every choice we make with people in our life can serve as an invitation for regret or healing.

5. Imagine the end so the present is in focus.

When I arrived at the hospital. I signed my 2nd DNR for the year as I watched my mom fight for her life in a familiar hospital bed. Every time I signed a DNR I was reminded of what little ownership we have at the end of life. It sounds so cliche outside of this context but the saying is true, “All that remains is faith, hope, and love”.